Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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