Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
