So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
