Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
