I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
