HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
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