dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
