you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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