his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
