So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
