who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
