Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
