I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
