My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
