I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
