Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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