I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
