TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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