Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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