so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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