Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
