im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
