My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
