i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
