What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
