R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
