I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
