Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
