Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
