Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
