I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
