I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
