I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
