I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
