Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
