My friends, they love my intelligence
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
he's gonorrhea incarnate
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
