Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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