Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
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