Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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