I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
