Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
