i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
