If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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