My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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