My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
