My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
