The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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