Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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