Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
