I wish I could teleport
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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