I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
