it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize