I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize