I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
