Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
