Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
