I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
