C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
