Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
