the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
