It's Friday. Sex?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
