That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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