I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
