So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
