So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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