Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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