pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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