Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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