Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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