Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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