New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
