my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
