Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
