i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
